Angst ptsd Ben
by inSPYration
Summary: ik it's short. ALso if you wanna leave comments just post it on discord cuz this palce is ded


**Meet me on the [redacted] asap**

It was dark out on the terrace, save for the feeble glow of the windows in the dorms around me. The buildings of the campus cast ink black shadows, and the occasional firework lit up the sky, but not even the moon was a source of light I could trust.

I had texted Erica half-heartedly, aware she might not even consider my message but desperately hoping she would come. The air was heavy and cold, not ideal for clearing my mind. I pulled my legs up to my chest and breathed slowly.

A firework exploded over my head and I shut my eyes instinctively. I was particularly caught up in my thoughts that I only noticed the silhouette when it was at a potential attacking distance. Luckily, that silhouette could've been mistaken for a Victoria's secret model.

Erica melted out of the shadows.

"This reminds me of when I first met you." I said aloud, though rather quietly. "Same setting. Same air of unknown." _Same vague panic._

"What's going on?" Erica sat down next to me. Her voice was neutral and calm, almost caring, so I trusted that I could jump straight to the point.

"It's the fireworks. It's the party, all the people, too- too much noise and not enough space."

I held my breath as another firework exploded. Maybe it was only in my mind, but I swear I felt a tremor in my heart.

"It sounds like gunshots."

I watched the shimmering sparks flutter in the air. People were cheering faintly in the background.

"It sounds like bombs, and missiles, and helicopters-" I clenched my jaw as the memories flooded into my mind with ease.

"You know what scares me?"

Erica glanced at me silently, allowing me to continue.

"During the party, I kept thinking about potential moles preparing to strike. I...I imagined poisoned drinks. Rigged explosives. I worked out the optimal position an enemy firing squad could be in."

"You really would've been an exceptional SPYDER operative." Erica commented softly.

A chill ran down my neck. Maybe another thing I imagined was Erica shifting closer to me.

"So, you've been suffering from anxiety, and you decided to sit in the dark alone."

Haven't heard that British humour in a while. I smiled to myself, but it lasted a second.

"It's open spaced here." I explained. "I could see if...someone were coming for me."

"You didn't see me."

"Well, you're you." I said that with a little more _sigh_ than I meant to.

In retrospect, being in the open was equally dangerous. Even Erica wouldn't be able to prevent a sniper perched on top of the Nathan Hale building. Or an aerial attack. Or a good amount of TNT that could-

"Are you sure I'm the right person you want to be talking to right now?" Erica asked, concerned.

"I had the weirdest feeling I...couldn't trust anyone in that room."

She raised an eyebrow quizzically. "But you trust me?"

I turned to look straight at her. "Of course I do."

"You can't ever fully, wholly trust anyone. I would be a very dangerous double agent."

I bit my lip, trying to express what I was thinking. Despite my awkward disaster years ago with Zoe, I had improved significantly at picking up emotions. And while Erica was an incredibly hard person to read, there were a few certainties I had figured out.

"You would never go against me."

Erica's eyes flitted to and fro. She knew I was right. I knew she knew.

And she knew I knew she knew, hence the reason why she punched my on the shoulder.

"And, and this year without you has just been so..."

I shook my head. I racked my brain trying to find a suitable adjective to describe it. It had been only a year since Erica graduated, but her absence from the campus had shaken me. I was starting to accept how vulnerable I really was.

Nightmares and flashbacks had become a weekly occurrence. Zoe had been really sweet with preparing countless chamomile teas and, granted, I had a circle of close friends who would die for me. But Jawa going rogue was a low blow and Erica being almost a hundred miles away had tipped the scale.

Now it was New Year's Eve. All the graduates who could afford it had returned to the Academy of Espionage, kicking off the annual celebration. I had caught a glimpse of Tina Cuevo and was relieved she wasn't dead seemed fine, but then I was yanked back to my first night at spy school when I had faced an assassin in my underwear. At 12 years old. I'm 16 now and I still wouldn't fancy having an assassin jump me in the middle of the night.

I pushed my focus somewhere else.

"Why do you keep playing hard to get?"

This wording was bound to get on her nerves, but so much so she would actually answer me instead of ignore my question. It worked.

"I do not play hard to get." Erica said sharply, with a hint of annoyance. "I do not play, period."

"I'm not asking anything in particular. I know you don't date-"

"Someone's been talking too much with Mike."

"You could've at least danced with me at graduation."

"Do not bring up my graduation."

A firework went off right then, adding an ominous effect to her warning. I jumped, having nearly forgotten how loud they were.

"And we need to stop having semi romantic moments during traumatic events."

I blinked thrice, trying to wrap my head around the fact that Erica had actually said that. I almost grinned randomly.

"Ah well, you're lilacs and gunpowder, aren't you?" I exhaled loudly.

Erica's arm was around my shoulders. I didn't realize I was chilly until I felt her warm skin. My heart revved up, and more so at the thought of potential killers attacking us and ruining the moment.

"There's not one without the other."


End file.
